Pieces

I haven't got much to report actually. At all. I eman I guess there's lots and lots of things I could write but there's nothing I fele like I should write or need to write which is great!

I wrote a poem today so I think I'll just write that out:

Pieces

Perspiring droplets of thought
the concentration building to a crescendo
that rivals Vivaldi

piecing together particles of peace
trying to make a whole whole
but finding instead a whole hole
full of scratching sentiments
and sensibilities

Constantly, but never quite remembering
the remedy
tea on the deck with him
Owner of a thousand of the finest
tea plantations on a hill
that allow my thoughts to take root

none of that cheap stuff
for my short-haired heiress

the complexity of my simplicity
is my calling card
until God reminds me
I'm not in that line of business

Rest is under-rated
could be R-rated
the way I avoid it

Keep me and Calm me
I am my own undoing

Copyright Anna Killick 22/8/06

Hi to you Megan - hope you are well!

Anna :)

It's the funny little things...

To the right: Just down the road from us (photo courtesy of me!)


The rubbish guy came to empty our bin and I watched with semi-fascination as the mechanical arm lifted the bin up and upside down then shook the rubbish bag out then another machine proceeded to compact the bag (I was smiling to myself because we put our broken DVD player in there :) ). But the funny thing ias that he had to manually put another bag on and wheel it back - so the truck doesn't do everything! I actually quite enjoyed the whole experience. It's the funny little things in life isn't it that get us?

Then I read my friend Megan's blog and I marvel at her way of looking at the world and her art even though I've never met her. her Asperger's gives her this perspective that we could probably never have but would probably long to have. She wrote about what it must be like to be a cartoon - I would never have thought of that! It was very interesting though.

Mel came over last night and we had a lovely dinner of Tacos and a Trumpet then Tea - we like foods and drink beginning with T (except Tequila!) Then we watched Tele (hee hee), it was Coro Street - I am so hooked - we both enjoyed it. We were like two little old ladies sitting on the couch watching coro, drinking tea and eating banana dots!! :)

Well I have no idea what I'm going to do today, I have a totally free day but no car and although I don't feel depressed (thank you Jesus!!), I don't really feel like doing anything in particular. Actually I think that's a good thing and I should see it as progress, I actually don't WANT to DO anything. Wow, this must be what you do on holiday!! :)

Anna :)

Good vs. Hard

I guess I'm feeling that I ought not to put such personal things on this blog - anybody could read it and I guess it's good to guard your heart and your treasure. But I will just put some things down, hopefully to still express myself and encourage other people.

GOOD THINGS

Getting my haircut, Debs returning, talking with Dad, hanging with Mum, counseling, feeling just a bit more hopeful, my book, God, managing finances better, Andrew and I.

I've just realised that 'bad' things aren't necessarily bad (they may work out for good in the long run), but they are HARD. So...

HARD THINGS

Thing not being righted when I thought they were, money struggles, WW, the garage flooding, the car not starting, feeling tired and sick, feeling depressed, being sensitive to every little thing, FSHPs, messy house I am too tired to clean, not enough sleep, three sick pets and hard things that keep happening.

Today Debs and I are going to get our hair done - I am so looking forward to it, it was refreshing and 'normal' to hang out wiht her yesterday, she made me feel normal! made me realise I am somewhat normal and she's so real and it's just such a relief to have her back and what a huge enormous blessing it is to have her as a Sister, I mean God was so good giving me her and my family and my hubby, he knew what he was doing.


Anna x

Duty and Devotion

PHOTO COURTESY OF ME :)


I read this devotion today and it really kinda gave me hope:



"Who being the brightness of His glory, and the express image of HisPerson, and upholding all things by the word of His power, when He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down on the right hand of theMajesty on high" (Hebrews 1:3).
Everything is upheld by His power, and all things are working together according to His Purpose. The Spirit searches all things andreveals them for what they are. Before Him everything is manifest, and there is nothing hidden from Him. There is no darkness that He does not penetrate, no deception that He cannot illuminate, no evil that He will not eradicate. (BY CHIP BROGDEN)

Deborah is coming back from the USA on Monday - HALLELUJAH!! I am so pleased. I went and got some cool stufff for her bedroom and then vacuumed, dusted, changed her sheets and rearranged her room a bit, putting the new things I had bought her in different places. I got tthese really cool small black cube candles with this antiquey design of birds and leaves stencilled in white on the front and lined them along a thin dark mahogany tray - six in a row - the effect was awesome. I also got four small fake lemons (realistic though) and put them in a small black African style bowl. They are beside the tray of candles - I was very proud of myself :)

Had a huge chat to Dad tonight about how my childhood has affected me, for better, for worse. I always thought him the perfect dad - He is INCREDIBLE, so understanding and listening and always always there but there was a little lack of warmth growing up. It was nothing that was done, it's what wasn't done. Everyone is a product of their childhood, he was a product of his - a coldish Dutch Father and an overbearing mother - both trying to do their best - but it produced someone that has finds warmth and affection hard to understand, yes, but has incedibly chosen to be loyal, faithful and is committed to my health and healing. So we discussed this. It was hard and I cried a lot but as he said, he can't take away my pain. He feels sorry that they weren't "perfect" and is very aware of it but I know I need to see the Lord for healing from the loneliness and coldness I feel and accept him where he's at.

Got a tut today - feel so drained and tired and at the end of it but guess will have to somehow get through it.

Help me Lord.


Anna x

Grace

Photo courtesy of Andrew Killick. The cross looks after everything.


I walked down the aisle to this song. I feel like it was written for me - my middle name means 'grace'.



Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name


Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world


And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything


Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk


She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma


When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything


Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips


She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings


Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things


Grace finds beauty
In everything


Grace finds goodness
In everything



I feel very depressed and tired. The world seems so black. I know it's temporary and most because of my physical state (but I am just sleeping or trying to) but one day I'm ok and the nest, a black hole. Little, tiny things take on great significance. If the mattress slides off the bed (it separates itself from the base sometimes) I feel all panicky and loike thins are all crooked and wrong generally - a metaphor I guess. Nothing helps when I'm like this. Just loving people, pets and God can take the edge off it. I really realy need to get physically well - please jesus heal me of CFS!

Glory be to God who makes all things work together for good.

Meet Wilma

This is my beautiful little buffalo (guinea pig - but don't you think they look like buffalos grazing on the Amerindian slopes? :) ) She has been my faithful companion for nearly as long as Andrew has been mine.
I got her in February 2001 when Andrew and I started dating. So I can date everything back to how old she is. 5 1/2. Evertime I was sick she used to cuddle up to me in
bed and look at me with those soft, dumb eyes. I think Wilma is the only pet where I really think she "feels" love or connection to me irrespective of food, etc. I love that.

I think I'd like to be in here, praying and crying my heart out to God and singing to him.

This photo was taken by Andrew (my husband) in England. I believe it was where George Herbert (the famous Poet) preached.

Same old for a different mold?

Really, really sick and down today - just had the pits of a day. Amazing how one week can be great and the next ridiculously hard. I'm sure I must think too much but how do I not do that? besides, I like thinking.

I spent the whole day in bed unable to sleep, I felt so depressed I couldn't do any activity and the movies I strglled through wewre either mildy disturbing or just boring. I feel so purposeless during these times. Not the 'real me'. i went for a walk to the shops and ended up walking way further than expected. It was dark and my legs were wobbly from exhaustion yet I had this drivenness to keep going because anything is better than lying in bed with your own thoughts. The messyness of the house (it wasn't very messy) makes me feel out of control, the list of the tiniest things to do like have a shower put me under huge pressure. I know I have Chromnic Fatigue Syndrome and Depression but why still these terrible days in the midst of such good ones?

I feel really alone, thank God for Andrew and Lyn who really understand me.

Jesus pleas help us and bless my beautiful and loving husband who puts up with this fragile vessel. And please bless Megan and please may people's eyes be opened with understanding, including mine.

The same old stuff is happening but I really believe I am changing for the better, jesus is changing me and molding me.

Anna :)

The 'T' Word

My lovely counsellor said to me that I use the word tired a lot and that it comes through in my writing and when I talk and I thought "yes, thank you for noticing!" I AM tired, most of the time. I probably spend most of my energy trying to ward the tiredness off! Why don't I just admit it? I'm tired. I don't want to be but I am.

I think I need to write down here all the things I need to do so i can clear my mind.
1. Translate tract into French
2. Assess manuscripts
3. Clean soot off walls
4. Vacuum
5. Tidy the car


I am so shattered tonight, i don't know what it is. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Probably from watching part of The Cube (don't ever watch it, horror disguised as sci-fi - 10 mins was enough - believe me!!). Lyn says I'm unsettled, not unpeaceful though. That's SO it - 'stuck in reverse' - I went to bed thinking 'this will be nice' and all i could think about was money, where the tweezers were, why I didn't bond with certain people or not and whether I was angry about it, why the soot wouldn't come off the walls and what the landlords would think about the smeary marks I tried so hard to get off and so on and so forth. My poor sick rat is itching herself silly but won't take the antidote. Oh Jesus - help again.

I am determined to have good news tomorrow!


Anna :)

Dazed and Confused

This was the day the flood came. Floods are pretty rare here. This is the view from our window onto our neighbours yard which is coated with a layer of water.

Today I feel sick from the bug I've got and it makes me feel really confused. Like when I went to the video store I couldn't remember exactly what order everything had to go in (who do I talk to about a late DVD?, Do I have all my keys and money?) . The toxoplasmosis(a parasite that roams my brain, making it all upset and confused) comes out when I get sick so everything is worse. I keep dropping money, not seeing properly, forgetting whether or not I have posted something, can't sleep, etc. My reactions to people are weird, like I've had a semi-stroke and I can't quite connect with them. I'm sure I'll get better soon but it's hard.
Andrew's not well either - I think he's feeling a bit the same.
Yet while I am in this state, I get weird inspiration - I gues my brain is functioning in a different way. I can write and gain a different kind of knowledge from facts and general knowledge than I would be other wise unable to. I guess things are going at a slower pace for me so I see the details, the little things. My dreams at night are excited and seem to take me off into different and exciting lands which I love. It's like I get to explore the world for free. The imagination is a double-edged sword, if you're an excellent swordsman, you can win every battle and use it as a tool to help yourselves and others.

I did well at WW tonight althoguh I got a telling-off for eating way too much sugar - I seriously have an addiction! I eat 4 times (in a good week) the recommended weekly intake. Hmmm.


I would love to think the Lord (or somebody who loved me) would say this to me right now, it's what i need:

"Fix You" (Coldplay)

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Lights will guide me home, they will, they are. Little by little.


Love you Jesus.


Anna x

Ode to a Sick Rat

On the stereo: Surfjan Stevens - The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Heart (great, moody song!)


It's crazy but this is how I feel about Frederika (my rat). We have a close bond:


Once more the storm is howling, and half hid
Under this cradle-hood and coverlid
My child sleeps on. There is no obstacle
But Gregory's wood and one bare hill
Whereby the haystack- and roof-levelling wind,
Bred on the Atlantic, can be stayed;
And for an hour I have walked and prayed
Because of the great gloom that is in my mind.

I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour
And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower,
And under the arches of the bridge, and scream
In the elms above the flooded stream;
Imagining in excited reverie
That the future years had come,
Dancing to a frenzied drum,
Out of the murderous innocence of the sea.

WB Yeats (A Prayer for My Daughter)


Why Lord? Why this unending, unconditional love for an animal? People say it's stupid but you know when a sparrow falls to the ground. You might love people more but you are full of love and light so animals must be really loved by you too. Please may she get better lord.

I feel like this is my life right now: And for an hour I have walked and prayed
Because of the great gloom that is in my mind.


Ode to a 'Potato'

I never stopped loving you my friend. Maybe for a brief moment, hate clouded my mind but the tide has come in gently and washed it out to sea. I will just be the sand that exists. Soft and always there. I don't want to be a lifeboat that nobody wants - I want to be the sea and the sand that comfort people.

On the stereo: Moby - Why does my heart feel so bad?

I don't want to go to the specialist, I don't want to be a special case anymore. Only in the good sense. Why isn't my body right? The fallen world thing hurts and gets tired.

God bring us rest, bring us peace, and mercy, and grace and strength, help us to do what is right, thank you King of Righteousness for your beauty, your forgiveness and your uniqueness, you always surprise me and excite me yet you change not.

Love Anna xx

A Beautiful Walk

I went for a beautiful walk yesterday. I went down by harbour drive and watched the small rows of pine trees across the water at Matakana. So calming. I just walked and soaked up the music on our MP3 player. This song was just what i wanted to sing but couldn't:


Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirtPolyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is bornYahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these handsTeach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouthSo quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss



Take this soul, stranded in some skin and bone - so true eh? I really feel like that sometimes. Like I have this free, beautiful soul stranded and stuck in this mortal, sinful, tired body.

Had a nice day with Andrew. We went out for lunch and bought some treats. It was great. saw a really cool dark black antiquey lamp at Cabbages and Kings but it was $170 so i guess I'm gonna have to start saving :) It was neat to have that little treat and time out. As Ange was saying you cna sue the fact that you're home together all day (working) not to go and do anything, but you need that time just the same as anyone else.

Bought this funny as card too. It said something like "you're a beautiful human being, but I can't draw human beings very well so i drew a potato instead. Potatoes are beautiful too though and they are much easier to draw" ha ha I love it!

I miss debs but she is home soon - yay!!!! :)

Ange and I went down to the waterfront with a coffee, it was really nice and we went to the library which was also nice. Jamie's in tonight t's Weekend Sunw ith his music which is cool. Check out www.jamiestrange.com (when it's up and running).

Tonight will be a quite night with CSI, New Tricks, Murder in Surburbia and bed!

Oh and this Dutch guy turned up on our doorstep and just walked in and neither of us knew who he was or why he was there unti about five minutes into the convo! It was so funny. Andrew was tring to blunder his way through trying to find out who he was. After 20 mins we found out his name with Gary and just before that we found out he had just randomly come to visit after he asked God to lead him to the right people. Anyway it was AWESOME! He has this trust that is set up for "the least of these". I.e. Handicapped, terminally ill people. It's a minisry that no one else in NZ has that we know of. he raises money to go and help these poor people in Fiji, India, Tonga, Samoa, etc. he finds handicapped children who have been tied up with the pigs because there is no one to care for them and a guy who was left to rot on a mat because everyone was afraid of him. He tries his best to get them government assistance or he recruits someone to help those people, often with just simple things like Savlon, bandages and rice. Most people , he said, don't want to know about his little Trust called the DIPS'N Trust (Disabled Individuals, Personal Special Needs). Please if you can help with anything, email him at: garryoster@xtra.co.nz
I am going to be translating one if his cool little tracts into French.

Well take care world.


Anna :)

Just Everything

So much hard stuff is happening - such soul-stretching, gut-wrenching stuff. Broken friendships, death of loved ones, family away, sick pets, finances stretched, health, etc etc. Honestly I don't know where to start and to begin. All I can do is turn to Jesus. All I can do to him is say help me. I can't really put into words everything I feel so am being threatened with slipping into a deep depression. Andrew is a rock but still I am down.

My Sustenance - Christafari

"I don't ever want to be away from you, loving you is the only thing I want to, I don't ever want to be away from you,
You are the one that is guiding me, I live by your word cos it makes me see, I get sustenance from your righteousness, without your word there's no happiness."

Time is slipping away, lord i need to draw clase to you, I don't want to stray..."

So simple but true for me. "Whom have I in heaven but thee?"

I look at the carving Valmai gave me before she passed away and it is a little girl nestling into the palm of God. I just look at that and it's like Jesus is saying "yes, I know - just do that. Forget everythig else, and do that." People and life are so complicated, I don't think Jesus is that comlicated.

My heart hurts, a dull ache, for what have lost. It's no longer a rip or a gash, it's healing but it still hurts. "Oh my friends, Have I wounded you so?, if only you could see into this heart for there is only love for you."

Anna